


You Should Have Said Goodbye

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law and Order: SVU
Genre: Arguments, F/F, Guilt, Hostage Situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 00:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11429079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: Alex Cabot, inexperienced hostage negotiator.Olivia Benson, unfortunately not inexperienced hostage.How could anything go wrong?





	You Should Have Said Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> My sister made me watch 18x07 again, but I was missing Cabenson, so this happened. *mentions of rape and murder on level with the show, as well as a hostage situation*

Olivia Benson was the most selfless person Alex Cabot knew. It kind of sucked that the first time she told her that was during the worst argument she'd had in her life, which was saying a lot, considering she was a Manhattan ADA. 

"You won't do anything for yourself, Olivia! You'll only do it for someone else!"

Olivia had stayed silent, looking at her with vaguely confused eyes. Alex hated putting that look in her eyes, she hated seeing the normally competent detective confused. But she kept pushing, because that's what she did, she pushed and pushed and pushed until something broke. 

"I don't understand-"

Alex cut her off. "Why can't you do this? I'm ready!"

Olivia pushed a hand through her hair, aggravated at the blondes insistence. "And I'm not! Alex, why can't we make this work?"

"Because I don't think you know what you want."

Alex knew in the second her mouth formed the final syllable that she had made a mistake. Olivia's eyes weren't confused anymore. They were angry. Alex wanted to take a step back, but she didn't. She still, somehow, had pride, even if she felt lower than a worm's belly. 

"I don't know what I want," Olivia repeated. Her voice was flat, breathless. 

Alex was silent. Her voice had deserted her, even when all she wanted to do was apologize. Suddenly, Alex heard Olivia's phone buzz. The detective quickly answered it in her customary way, quickly stating her name. 

The brunette nodded, then said, "I'm on my way." She hung up on the person and went for her jacket on the hook. 

"I have to go, Elliot and I caught a case," the brunette said. Alex turned away, her throat still not working. She wasn't sure why she couldn't just say something, anything, apologize before Olivia had to leave. 

"Okay," Alex said. She faced the window, looking out at the lights of the city. She heard the door shut, and regretted not saying anything. Now, they'd still be at odds tomorrow, and Alex couldn't see a solution to this coming easily. She sighed, and did the only thing she could think to do. Pull out a case file and work until she dropped. 

***

Alex started awake, the ring of their telephone echoing in the empty apartment. 

"Cabot," she answered, sounding composed as ever, even if her hair was a mess and she was unsure where her glasses had gone. 

"Alex, can you be down at the station in twenty minutes? The guy is almost guaranteed to call a lawyer, and we want to get this done as soon as possible," Cragen said. 

"Yeah," said Alex, already mentally calculating how much sleep she'd be missing because of this guy. She decided to try and give him the highest sentence possible if she had to plea this out. 

"I'll fill you in when you get here," Cragen said. 

"Okay, who's collaring him?" Alex asked, holding the phone between her shoulder and ear while she searched for her fallen glasses. 

"Benson and Stabler."

***

When Alex arrived at the squad room exactly nineteen minutes later, neither Olivia, Elliot, or their perp were there. 

"What exactly are we getting this guy on, anyway?" Alex asked Fin, wishing Olivia was here so that they could just give the bastard a free ticket to jail and then go back home. 

"Three plain old murders in the past six months, one rape homicide, and theft of a controlled substance," Fin rattled off, as if it had been seared into his mind. With some of the cases, Alex wouldn't be surprised if some were burned into the detective's memory, but this one seemed relatively tame compared with what they'd been dealing with as of late. 

"And we're all up at," she checked her watch, "4:57 am to get this guy?"

"We received a tip that he was taking the earliest flight out of the country," Fin said, shaking his head. "Idiot should know we'll be able to find him this way."

Alex hummed in agreement.

Suddenly, Cragen burst out of his office. "We've got a hostage situation on our hands," he said. "Munch, Fin, let's go."

"I'm coming too," said Alex. She was determined to be there, to show her support for the detectives. 

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Alex," Cragen said, walking fast down the hallway to the elevator. 

"Why not?" Alex asked, defiant. 

"Olivia is one of the hostages."

***

The ride was silent inside of the car, save Cragen taking the occasional update call, and the sirens, which penetrated Alex's thoughts. She could see the flashing lights illuminating the city, which was just starting to wake up. All these people, living their normal lives. Unaware of the people around them, and the small tragedies that befell them, like dropping an important item down a storm drain, or tripping on a shoelace in front of someone they admired. 

Alex missed the days when all she worried about was that. 

All she worried about now was Olivia. She hadn't even said goodbye, not even kissed her when she left the house last night. All she had cared about was the stupid argument. Alex was wrong, she knew it. She shouldn't have pushed her, it didn't matter that no one knew about them. All that mattered was that they loved each other. 

And they did. Oh god, Alex loved her. She loved the way she smiled when Alex brought her coffee, the way she laughed at bad sitcoms. She loved the way she cared about every victim so much that she'd give up her nights and her breaks just so they could get justice a little faster. She loved the way Olivia could understand just about anybody, but still knew when someone was bad news. She loved the way she looked in the morning, just woken up, and she loved the way she looked in the evening, worn out from the day she'd had with the worst Manhattan had to offer. Alex loved the way she never, ever gave in and the way she pushed her to be better. She loved the way Olivia made her better simply by the privilege of letting her love her. 

She loved her, plain and simple, so why did this have to happen to them?

***

Alex felt out of place in the barricade of police cars and officers. She was obviously foreign to them, if the looks she got when she stepped out of the unmarked vehicle were any indication. She disliked the feeling of the bulky vest she had to wear. She hated having to wait, so close and yet so far from the woman she loved. She was right there, and yet she couldn't go in herself and fix this. 

She was part of the crowd that converged around Cragen when he got a call from Olivia's cell. Cragen locked eyes with her, and flipped open the phone. 

"Hello?"

Alex was glad she could hear Olivia's tinny voice coming from the tiny device over the noise everyone else was making. 

"Cragen?" A muffled voice in the background. Olivia responding. Then, "He wants to make a deal."

"Okay, what does he want?"

"Immunity. Complete immunity."

Alex's stomach sank. She couldn't grant him that, not after everything he'd done. Was he high? Fin had said he'd stolen a controlled substance, maybe that's why he was being so idiotic, holding an NYPD detective hostage. 

"If he'll release the hostages, we can arrange something." Cragen's voice was calm, smooth, almost as if nothing was on the line. Alex wanted to hit him, to scream that everything was on the line. 

Something muffled on the other end of the line. Then, "He wants what?!" Cragen's calm demeanor had seemingly broken. 

Then, to Alex's horror, she found Cragen handing her the phone. "Just keep him talking," he whispered. "All we need is a clean shot so they don't hit Liv." The use of her nickname in this serious situation only made Alex's heart beat faster. 

"Why would they hit her?" Alex whispered back, her hands refusing to take the phone. Her hot breath clouded in the frigid January air. 

"He's got his gun to her head. All you need to do is keep him talking Alex," Cragen repeated, shoving the cell phone into Alex's freezing hands. Alex's world spun. 

"Hello?" 

"Alex, okay, he wants a deal," Olivia said, and Alex wanted to cry. She sounded breathless, as if her heart was beating so fast she couldn't draw breath. Or maybe Alex was projecting, since that was the way she felt. 

"Okay," Alex said, trying to go from Alex, the girl who sat on the couch and watched bad television with her girlfriend, to Alexandra Cabot, Assistant District Attorney for the Manhattan DA's office. "Can I speak with him in person?" She wished she could stay on the phone with Olivia, apologize for earlier, tell her she loved her, but she couldn't do that. She just had to keep this guy talking. 

Alex could hear Olivia asking him the same question, and a small shuffle as she handed the phone off to him. "Yeah, I heard you could get me a deal, bitch."

Alex felt hot rage burn within her. This, ADA Cabot could work with, this was what she'd been working with ever since she'd started prosecuting cases for SVU. 

"Not if you talk to me like that, I can't," she said, and she could almost imagine leaning on the table, staring him and his half-witted defense attorney down. 

"Fine, dyke, what would you like me to call you?" He asked, and Alex could sense victory closing in. 

Then, she had to ruin it by opening her big, fat mouth. "Most definitely not that, and if you continue like that, then a deal will be off the table."

"You can't tell me anything like that! You can't," the man screamed. "Or this bitch here will pay!" Alex imagined him pushing the gun closer to Olivia's skull, the tip touching it. She felt sick to her stomach. This was her fault. Who's idea was it to put the lawyer on the phone around a bunch of trained cops?!

Suddenly, a shot rang out and Alex dropped the phone, sure that her words had just killed Olivia. She didn't even realize she was on her knees until Fin was kneeling in front of her, his hands on her shoulders. 

"It's okay," he was saying. "They got him, Olivia's fine." Alex took a breath. "You did good, Alex."

Another breath. "Thank you," she said, her voice shaking. She stood up hesitantly. 

The hostages were trailing out, EMTs helping them, but Alex was blind to them all once she saw Olivia. Even from this distance, she could see that it was mostly Elliot who was holding her up, and that blood had spattered on her blue shirt. Alex started peeling off the vest, her heart beating like it could burst out of the protective fabric. 

Alex walked up to them, and Elliot whispered something in Olivia's ear before walking towards Fin and Cragen. Alex hugged her, no reservations like normal, and Olivia hugged her back. It just reminded Alex of their argument and made her feel even more shitty. She didn't even say goodbye, and then she almost got her killed. Who does that?

Alex didn't want them to, but tears started slipping out of her eyes. Tears turned into sobs, and she wished she could just stop. She hated crying, even on a normal day, but in front of all these police officers? The sun hadn't even risen yet, and this day was already turning into her worst nightmare. 

"It's okay, honey," Olivia was saying, "It'll all be okay. I'm okay. You did good, sweetie."

It just made Alex cry more, knowing that Olivia was the one who was comforting her, when she hadn't been the one in danger. She was the one who had done everything wrong. 

"It's okay," Olivia said. 

"I didn't say goodbye," Alex hiccuped, "And I almost made him kill you."

"He was going to kill me anyway," Olivia whispered, "You didn't do anything except help me."

"I'm sorry," Alex said, pulling back. 

"It's okay," said Olivia, pulling back as well. She still held Alex's left hand in her right. "It'll be okay."

***

Cragen gave Olivia the next two days off, and Alex took great care not to sneak up behind her, or talk about work too much, or do anything that Olivia didn't want her to do. And every time she left, even if it was just to go to the bathroom, or the kitchen, she said goodbye. 

Olivia finally confronted her about it about three hours into the second day. "When will you stop treating me like I'm broken?" She asked, staring her partner down. 

"Um," said Alex. "I was unaware common courtesy was called excessive babying nowadays."

"Why do you always say goodbye when you leave the room?" Olivia asked, seeming concerned, which was strange, since this conversation was supposed to be about Alex's treatment of her, not the reasoning behind it. 

"Just common courtesy, like I said," Alex said, sitting down on the couch next to Olivia. Normally, the blonde didn't like to sit this close, claiming it was too hot, but she needed the reassurance. 

"And this," Olivia said, gesturing to Alex's sitting position. 

"And what?" Alex asked, feigning innocence. 

"The way you're sitting so close all of a sudden."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Alex insisted, looking away from Olivia. 

"Alex, I'm just worried about you," Olivia said, her tone such that Alex couldn't ignore it. She turned back to Olivia, only to hear her say, "I know it's hard, what happened last week-"

Alex didn't give her a chance to finish her sentence. "It shouldn't be hard for me! It should be hard for you!" 

Olivia's brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"You're the one who could have died, Olivia. I'm just the one who almost caused it, and didn't say goodbye because of some petty argument." Alex felt like crying, the way she had the night before, when she had woken up in a cold sweat, the shot ringing in her ears. 

"Alex," Olivia said, in that tone. Alex liked to think of it as the victim tone, since Olivia only ever talked to fragile victims, mostly children that way. Alex hadn't ever had her use it on her, but now that she had, she found it patronizing. 

"Don't treat me like I'm one of your victims, Olivia. I'm not. I'm fine." Alex hadn't ever felt like she'd sinned for lying before, but now she understood what Munch meant when he said that religion was an effective way to scare kids into behaving. 

"Alex, I'm not trying to treat you like a victim here," Olivia said, "but you are stubbornly acting like one." That was the Olivia Benson Alex knew. The one who told it like it was to her, the one who believed she was right until she was undeniably wrong. 

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, as if she didn't know. And this was the Alex Cabot they both knew, the one who didn't back down, no matter what. 

"You're sitting closer than normal, you're not doing anything to upset me, no matter how inconsequential, you're not even working late, and you were up late last night. I can't prove you had a nightmare, but the rest of the evidence points to that," Olivia listed. "And you always make sure you say goodbye when you leave, so you can get a sense of closure."

"What, are you a psychiatrist now? Huang better watch out, Doctor Benson is in town now." Alex thought, satisfied, that that could be considered upsetting, and therefore disproved part of Olivia's theory. It didn't matter that her stomach twisted and her brain screamed at her to take it back in case she had to leave again. Don't you know how dangerous her job is? she asked herself. 

Olivia didn't respond to the taunt. Instead, she said, "It's okay, Alex. I know it's hard sometimes, to see someone in a position like that, especially if you're the one who has the responsibility of getting them out of there." Alex could tell that the brunette spoke from personal experience. 

Alex's eyes drifted down to Olivia's hands. She loved looking at them, they always had cuts or callouses, something Alex never had on her hands. Olivia's hands were personal, with ink stains and scars, unlike Alex's. Alex's hands were perfectly impersonal, and the only thing that might make them stand out was fingernail polish, which she kept to neutral tones. 

"It was hard," she admitted. "I thought you died, and I didn't even get to say goodbye." Olivia made a noise of sympathy and looked at her. Alex found herself really looking at Olivia, for the first time in a while. She saw all the eyelashes on her brown eyes. She saw the fold above on of her eyes. She saw the way her choppy hair grew over her forehead in some places, ungelled today, since she wouldn't have to go to work. 

"I thought I died for a second," Olivia said. Alex's heart felt like it was breaking. Olivia shouldn't be able to have those thoughts, it should be illegal, she thought. 

"But I'm okay now, and so are you," the detective said. "We're okay." Alex felt like she was back in the airport, and Olivia was still reassuring her. She felt like she was still crying into her shoulder. To her surprise, she found that she was. Olivia's arms were wrapped around her and she was sobbing. 

"I know," she was saying. She could feel it in her bones, she knew that Olivia was okay, and she knew that she would be as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt me on my tumblr!


End file.
